You know that evil word... the one that makes you so stressed out? Where people break down and cry when it gets too much. That word, that thing, that makes us all flip out and aim to do our best and reach it even though the journey is so tough, exhausting and plain kills you.


EXPECTATIONS


I've never had so much on my hands. So heavy a burden on my shoulders. So many people's expectations to meet.


The debaters, the edboarders, the athletes and the latest addition, the yellow house members.

Not to mention my results.

There will be times when I will start breaking down in school. I will cry like I've never cried before. But those of you who see me, don't worry. Just comfort me and give me a little time, because I'll get right back up and meet your expectations and I will smile through it.

I will be all that I can be.




It will be a crazy, exhausting, chaotic year. There will be sweat, tears, maybe blood? But at the end of it, I'll come out a more matured, wiser, enriched, more DETERMINED person.


Well, not that kind of determination. :D

Labels: Philosophies, School, seriousness

I just finished watching How To Lose Friends and Alienate People. It was alright. A little predictable but it really got me thinking. Sometimes, when you want to succeed does it mean you have to give up what you really want. When it comes down to it, which would you choose?

Success or Passion?

Plot summary :
Sidney Young is a disillusioned intellectual who both adores and despises the world of celebrity, fame and glamor. His alternative magazine, Post Modern Review, pokes fun at the media obsessed stars and bucks trends, and so when Young is offered a job at the diametrically opposed conservative New York based Sharps magazine its something of a shock! It seems Sharps editor Clayton Harding is amused by Young's disruption of a post-BAFTA party with a pig posing as Babe. Thus begins Sidney's descent into success - his gradual move from derided outsider to confidante of starlet Sophie Maes. Initially helping him out at Sharps is colleague Alison Olsen, who has her own secret. Wither their friendship?

Its easy to say that we would choose our passion for whatever-it-is over success, fame and money. But when it comes down to it, I realize the choice is really hard. Its so easy to get caught up with the material thing in the world. So I wonder, how would I face that choice when I go out. Maybe its working overtime and moving up the career ladder or my family; Maybe its giving up something I love for something that pays the bills.

I hope I make the right choice.

To quote Robert Frost
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.



Oh and, I think Megan Fox relies too much on her sex appeal. Its a little nauseating at times. Guys would probably love it though. Just a thought. (:

Labels: Philosophies, seriousness

I've had foot surgery on my foot to remove my horrible tortorous and painful corn. Ive tried corn caps, warm water, duofilm acid... they didn't work! So I decided to have it surgically removed, yesterday! 10.10.2009 (my first surgery!)(also, exactly a month after my korkor has gone away): ) For those of you who don't know, Foot corns grow on our toes in response to our body's demand for protection against the pressure and friction that is being applied on that area. A foot corn will grow where there is pressure applied onto the skin. The friction of a foreign object against that tender area will cause the body to develop a layer of hard skin in that place. As time passes and the pressure and friction has not been removed the hard skin has formed into a cone shape with a hard center.

A little history on my corn. I started having it after Hari Sukan this year. So, I harboured this secret hope that it was because of some virus on the field. Then, my doctor burst my bubble and told e it was because of high heels. Now, I can't wear them! Way to rain on my parade. ):

My corn



The surgery was scawwie. I had to go to the operating theatre and wear the blue gown and hair covering and all that. The administering of anesthetic was crazy painful. Felt like crying. AND, it was three jabs of anesthetic around the corn. I know it doesn't sound like much but it WAS painful. Super pain. ): After surgery, I had to sit in a wheel chair and be wheeled out into the lobby. Well, there is a first time for everything. Everyone was staring. o.O





I guess being in a wheelchair doesn't stop my camwhoring. =/

My foot all bandaged up.


My darling daddy who took me to remove my corn. (:

This super adorable girl whom I met in the lobby. I played with her and she gave me a fish cracker. (:




My foot which looks like the hem of a skirt, all stitched up. I can't walk because it hurts and for fear of breaking the stitches. So i've resorted to crawling around on all fours.Which also means I cant leave the house! How can I crawl around in the shopping mall. =/ Daddy has started calling me his pet cat. =/



On a lighter note, my super scawwie paintball thigh bruise has gotten scarier but is not painful at all. (:

On a happier note, my hair has now grown to this length. But then again the bob hairstyle that I previously cut is giving me false hope now because the front is longer than the back. No matter! At least part of my hair is this long. (:


OH AND,

Ode to my white hairband which cost me RM2.90 and served me for more than a year.


You have served me well. R.I.P. (:

On an annoyED note, I now have to pee, so I have to crawl to the bathroom. Thank you to,

Lim Jae Haan
Ang Hui Li
Ong Ye Shan
Carmen Chua

for showing your concern without me telling you anything about the surgery. (:

Labels: seriousness

My korkor is flying off tmr. I will miss him vewy vewy much. ):

The only piece(s) of good news this brings is I get to have the laptop,iPod and chocolate chip cookies all to myself. (I'll update more! ) But it won't be the same.

Who is going to call me names, bring me to buy dvds, pay for my lunch, ferry me to and fro, come into my room and laze on my bed, eat the food that I can't finish, buy me McDonald's ice cream on the way home,take me out just because, conspire against my parents together... and the list goes on. ):

I hope you achieve everything you aim for and never ever lose your beliefs. You can succeed in whatever you put your mind to and I thank you for being such an amazing, protective brother over the years. Korkor, I love you and will miss you very much. <3

Labels: seriousness

I'm very very sick loh. ): It is all because of MTV!

But I'm very grateful to :

Lim Jae Haan- Making me feel cared for.

Ian Beh- Being concerned and reassuring me.

Chin E-Jia - Asking me to drink honey

Soh Zhi Min- Telling me I'm missed!

Carmen Chua- Not blaming me

Ooi Kay Zhi- For the mask!

Ang Hui Li - For asking how i was.

Foong Lily- Giving me the interview through the phone.

My darling daddy and mummy- They love love me so!

I'll never ever underestimate the power of just one little text message asking you how you are to make my day. (:

Labels: seriousness

The second photoshoot has left me looking like a zombie.

My life at the moment is like a rollercoaster ride, literally, with its peaks and pits.

I have an amazing grandomother who buys me kripy kreme.

I pulled a muscle in my left arm and it hurts more thn you can imagine.

I have pms which makes me cranky, moody and tired all day long.

I'm afraid I'll trip in my heels on installation thanks to huili ingraining that fear in my mind.

I am really in need of tuition and a pen drive.

I have been pigging out on fried food for the past few days.

I have a new timetable for like the 6th time this year.

I love cherries.

I am in love with ruffles, high waisted skirts and ribbons which explains the pictures below.

Slow it down, make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot
To be something I'm not
I'm a fool out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough...

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried, and I don't know why
 
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but i don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go...
And just enjoy the show

Labels: babyjae, seriousness

I'm going to pieces because I've lost my adorable pink 4GB Kingston pen drive. you're all probably like wondering what's my problem since it only costs around 25? I have like a truckload of pictures inside, memories ): PLEASE WILL ANYONE WHO'S SEEN IT IN THE ED BOARD ROOM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE RETURN IT. ):

I am royally pissed off but unlike Louise, not upset.

I'm just hurt. I've just read THAT GIRL'S blog and I think that she is very unprofessional and immature.

Fyi, edboarders are smarter than donkeys. (: I'm sure you guys would agree.

Labels: seriousness

Ode to my JS Exclusive Hair Series 67 Ion Perm shampoo.

I have decided to dedicate this post to shampoos that I've used throughout my life.

When I was 8 ( as far back as I can remember) I used Sunsilk. It seemed like the greatest shampoo on earth to me back then. I tried all the different types of Sunsilk and particularly liked the pink one and the blue one. (: the blue one had a picture of a girl with short hair and daffodils on the front. It was so sweet smelling and I didn't have problems with dry hair at all.

I used to bathe under a tap in my bathroom which I shared with my parents back in our old house because I simply loved the cold water. At 10, I developed dandruff. It was disgusting. I would have white flakes on my shirt. But I continued to use Sunsilk anyway. I had a long love affair with Organics conditioner but sadly, it was pulled off the market when Uniliver(the supplying company) relocated to Japan. I used Kharenee's method of combing out the shampoo in my hair with a comb while showering to reduce the dandruff. It helped.

I used a shampoo designed for swimmers for awhile because I went swimming every evening. Hence the broad shoulders (butterfly). It was extra strong to wash out all traces of chlorine. It made my hair dry. I was crestfallen because I had always had silky hair as a child.

At 11, I fell in love with these two bottles of berry and strawberry scent shampoo. They came in those gift toiletry packages. Needless to say, they smelt mouth wateringly sweet and light. I would spend an hour in the bathroom. I infused the water with the shampoo and soaked my hair in the concoction for well over half an hour while lying on the cold bathroom floor just to try and capture the scent in my hair. It is a wonder I didn't catch a cold!

At 12, I contemplated using Pantene. It never worked out. Sunsilk was still my pick.

At 13, I made the drastic switch to Herbal Essence. Its heavy scent was intoxicating and it left my hair feeling silk straight the whole day. Carmen used to comment on how great my hair smelt when she sat next to me in the science lab. :D I believed that I would be with this shampoo for a long time. But it didnt work out, it made my hair dry after about 4 months. I believe it was just too strong.

At 14,I switched to JS exclusive, a salon shampoo. It was actually for coloured hair but because my mommy had an extra bottle, she gave it to me. It didn't work miracles but at least my scalp didn't feel itchy and dry.

At 15, I used a combination of Organics shampoo in the afternoon and occasionally JS. (: Those who know me well enough know that I don't go home right after school because it is too far. Instead, I go to my aunt's house and have lunch, do homework, sleep etc until my parents avail themselves to send me home. I used Organics there.Organics is amazing but sadly not on the market anymore. My uncle used to work for Uniliver thats why he had some stock left over. At home, I remained faithful to my JS. I purchased a new JS (the very first line of this post). It actually is meant to for people with rebonded/straightened hair but the saleslady recommended it because I had naturally straight hair. Nen Lin introduced me to her pink Sunsilk leave in conditioner. (:

This year, my loyalty to my JS was renewed when I really took the time to rub the shampoo into my scalp and condition my hair every night. It was truly effective. I use Dove in my aunt's house occasionally. Most of the time, I would wait until I got home to use my JS. Dove is pretty good too, I guess. My hair always looks good when there is a change of shampoo. I also have looked to the nennen recommended Sunsilk leave in conditioner. The pink one with erm, yoghurt extracts? Delectable! (:

Yesterday, I ran out of my JS. I went to the hair and beauty shop to purchase yet another last-me-for-a-year 1000ml worth of JS. The lady recommended me La'Belle 2. I have decided to try it out.

I am naming my shampoo Bella. (: It is very nice smelling and suits me exactly. :D I know you cannot smell it but I can ! (:

To quote the hair lady (i mean sales person) : zhe ge bi jiao hao liao.

In english, this has better um, ingredients?

I have used it for the first time and as I am typing this post, my hair is silky and smooth again. Good omen? I think so. Or is it just the change.

Hopefully my Bella will be my true, long lasting friend who will serve me well just as my dermalogica clay cleanser and push up bras have.

Farewell my JS, you have served me well. (:

oh and,

HAPPY RETIREMENT PN. KOK PEY SHAN!

Labels: random, seriousness

I am going to die die in chemistry 2nd term.

My physics teacher so conveniently bailed out on me.

So did my add math teacher.

Well the subjects are taught by the same teacher.

Does anyone need tuition around Tmn seputeh area? Friday 430pm. RM 150. 4 students per class. There are only 2 now. ): leave me a cbox message if you do.

I hope someone does.

Did I mention I realised my blog had 90 hits today? Proves my theory right that humans are like vultures, feeding off misery and drama. I am no different lah! Got drama I also wanna read lah. :D but. tsk.

&& I love my babyjae. (:

&& world, just because I don't write like I'm the victim, it doesn't mean I'm the antagonizer either. You think I'm really shallow and jump to conclusions. Well you guys don't know anything, don't hear both sides of the story, so yeah you can start hating me and boycotting my blog now if you want to. So maybe I was wrong on this count, but you guys don't know how it feels like, so don't be so quick to judge and keep your opinions to yourself. I really don't need them.

&& did you really think it would make it better? you have a warped, bias sense of logic.

Labels: seriousness

We did it. (: I am so grateful to my commitee members- Rachel Ho Jia Wei, Lee Pei She, Aaron Ng, Michelle Leong, Loke Ee Jay, Thong Yi Kun. You guys are the best.QQ. :D

To my fellow form 4 edboarders- Ng Chen Lynn, Tee Ee Voon, Alicia Chung, Wong Hong Jian, Rachael Wong Sook Zhen,Charmaine Chan, Ang Ke Qian, you guys(more of girls) are awesome! Thank you.

To Foong Lily, thank you so much for your help. (:

To Form 5 edboarders- Adrian, Kai Boon, Louise, Lie Yang(Financial means!) and everyone who has helped along the way. Thank you.

To probationers- Thank you for showing up and doing your job. Its your yturn to lead next year!(:

The photoshoot really stressed me out especially leading up to it when i was this total b*tch to everyone especially my committee members. I'm amazed that they put up with me without answering me back.

When I was first given the job, it was a mixture between happiness and terror. I really didn't know whether or not I could manage it. It really wasn't just organisation, it required leadership.

I remember my first commitee meeting. I didn't know what do say and I was really nervous even though I was only talking to 6 people! After that I asked Louise how I did, she just told me I needed to speak with more authority.

As weeks flew by, I learned. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I stopped being afraid that I couldn't manage it anymore. It wasn't a question of whether I could do it anymore, it was a question of how I was to get it done.

We had meetings after meetings, planning and planning. There were so many complications along the way. Offended teachers, station cards missing, troublesome probationers, many many many many many many schedule changes, club presidents who wouldn't attend briefings and so on so forth.We pulled through though, and we, the commitee formed a bond somewhere along the way.

Yesterday and today was the photoshoot. Something happened which completely killed our buzz of being ahead of schedule. But we got through it again and again, I learned that we can't please everybody, so be thick skinned and get on with it. The classes were unruly and many a time we had to raise our voices and this offended some people. I'm very sorry for that. Yet, there are two sides to the story and if you have ever organized anything which required everyone's cooperation, you would understand.

Today was the real tester. To quote my brother, " anyone can steer the ship when its calm, but who can take the storm?" That is when a real leader comes through. I prayed hard that I would be able to make wise decisions when the time came. It was really messy at the beginning and there were so many complications. It was then that I really broke down. I managed to pull myself together and if you like, ran around shouting at people. I hope I managed to pull the whole thing together but I couldn't have done it without my team and all the form 5 edboarders who were always on hand to help. I don't know if i managed to do a good job or not, that isn't for me to judge, but I do know is we got the job done and thats what counts.

Many apologies to anyone we've offended along the way.

-QMs, when we asked them to set up the umbrellas.
-Form 6 teachers.

I've been really roasted by the sun.

Labels: seriousness

I can say that it was one of the proudest moments of my life. One of those moments that I can say I am proud of what I've accomplished. When I felt like giving up, when I felt like I had nothing left inside of me, I forced myself to go on. God was on my side, He willed me on, that was the reason why I made it.

I really did not expect to win. I am proud not because I won, but because I managed to conquer that side of me that gives up when it gets tough, I managed to surpass myself. Praise the Lord.





*Congratulations to Carmen Chua who ran all the way and didnt give up. Number 6 baby!(:

Labels: random, seriousness

No matter how you twist it, my mood currently cannot be described as happy.

Recent events have caused me to use the no one understands me card. Or rather, my mother doesn't understand me card. Mummy and I are currently having a cold war which I am not sure what stimulated.

I did not lie.

One thing about my mummy is that she doesn't advocate her feelings, she just goes around looking pissed off and constipated and not letting anyone know what is in her head. Therefore, my whole family treads lightly around her when she gets like this. This mood is currently directed right at me.

I went to Pyramid with Elizabeth yesterday. Jae Haan called at 5 to say he was going to be there. I was happy because I'd get to see him for about 20 minutes? He reached at around 540. So Elizabeth and I met up with him and we went to Wendy's. Elizabeth went home at around 6. I was going to spend about 15 mins with him and then ring my parents who were in pyramid.

We were leaning over the railing talking and holding hands when my parents came up the escalator facing us. I panicked and ran into the nearest shop which was Everlast. Of course they had seen us.

I had told my dad about Jae Haan the day before yesterday and he was cool. He told me my mummy and him already knew anyways.

So whats the big deal which warrants the cold war?

Sure, EVERYONE gets she's pissed. Why?

I didn't lie to her that Elizabeth was going to be there. My parents saw her in the flesh. I explained as much to my father and he got it.

What exactly did I do wrong? Am I supposed to maintain a cold, no contact space with him in public? Does she prefer I not introduce him to them and sneak around behind their backs?

Mummy hasn't spoken a word to me since I got back. She ignores me. I went to sleep after running this morning and she didn't bother to tell me she was going out, didn't bother to ask me if I wanted to go out which is what she normally does. Heck, she didn't even leave a note. I have nothing to eat.

At least my daddy is still acting normal. I am sick of this, this always happens. I don't feel comfortable talking to her, its always like waiting on a landmine. I used to crave the other-daughter open relationship that my friends have. The way that they can tell their mother whats going on in their life. I live behind closed doors, my mother puts up barriers to keep us away? I've given up on that close relationship, I've long resigned and stop trying.

Maybe, I AM IN THE WRONG. But someone, please explain to me WHY.

Labels: babyjae, seriousness, shopping escapades

I feel so empty nowadays. Like theres nothing left inside of me, its just a facade I put on. The cheerfulness. I'm not exaggerating. Sometimes, I feel so rock bottom that I don't know what to do. Maybe its just a phase, a temporary abyss that I've fallen into and am tring to claw my way back up. Or it could be a supermassive black hole. Hmm.. I hate this feeling. Of feeling trapped.

I'm not being pretentious, I'm not saying this so I sound ... I don't know. I'm not doing this to grab attention. I just don't know how to describe how I feel. Sadness mixed with the feeling of being all alone. Yet I feel so indifferent and unemotional at the same time. Is this what depression feels like? I can't runaway from it. Fighting back? How?

Even in presence of company I feel that way. In fact, I can't even identify how I'm feeling right now.

The best part is when I'm asleep. I don't think, I don't even dream.

Labels: seriousness

I really hate online games. You know why? All the girls who have boyfs who are siao about dota, pokemon, cs, cod, whatever it will be will understand.

I want to talk to you. Seriously. You say later. But later doesn't happen.

Labels: babyjae, Philosophies, seriousness

I HAVE SO MUCH SO MUCH TO TELL YOU!

1. LIM JAE HAAN IS OUT OF HOSPITAL TOMORROW!

2. IM HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! SEE.



3. BARACK OBAMA! =D



RESPECT FOR THIS CHARISMATIC FIRST AFRICAN AMERICAN US PRESIDENT! =)

oh. those are things im excited about. =) I've got loadsa pics from my school planned visits. If you don't like acting cute and loadsa camwhoring. I DONT CARE!=D IM HAPPPPYYYYY! =)

Labels: babyjae, random, seriousness

So Nen and I had this serious talk and I really see her point of view. Nen, I just want you to know I'm not judging you or anything alright? Just think about what I said and give it another go. (; MWAAAAAH BIG SMMOOOOOOCH.

Labels: seriousness